how do you define success?

Over the weekend, I attempted to do my first Olympic distance triathlon. I say attempted, because for the first time in my life I got a DNF. This is difficult to say even as I type this 3 days later. Saturday was a very difficult day for me. I was embarrassed and upset. I was, in my mind at least, a quitter and felt like a complete & utter failure. Quitting is not something I do. Quitting is not something we encourage or teach in our society (or at least in my family) When you start something you finish it! So, how do I come to terms with getting a "did not finish" as my race result?

So, what happened on Saturday that led to a DNF? Truth be told, I felt prepared for the race. I had done an open water swim on Wednesday and had one of the best swims of my life. I'd got in a few good runs and bike rides throughout the week. The night before the race I'd gone through my visualization exercises (yes, I'm a dork!) and felt ready and prepared for anything that might be thrown at me the next day. I packed up my gear and thought I had everything under control and prepared for race day.

On Saturday, I woke up early and went through my "race morning" rituals. I ate my typical breakfast, a piece of toast with peanut butter (if you were wondering). I left with plenty of time to arrive at the race venue, get body marked and get my transition set-up. I was body marked by Shannon and her high energy and excitement made me feel great. As it got closer to the start time, I did final preparations and headed down to the lake. I got in the water for my wave start and began the swim. Half way through the swim, I made the decision that the smartest thing for me was to pull out of the race. And I've been dealing with that choice and how its affected me ever since.

I had several friends racing and my brother and 2 of his kids had come to watch, so I decided to stick around and watch them finish. While hanging near transition, I ran into a couple of people I've met through Rhielle. They were teasing me about not racing (having no idea that I had recently pulled myself out of the race). I explained to them what had happened and their nine your old daughter said to me, "That's NOT acceptable." I completely agreed with her, quitting is NOT acceptable. (As a side note, her father spent the better part of the next 2 hours trying to find me again to apologize. I explained that I completely understood his daughter's reaction--we teach our children that quitting is not acceptable. There are no hard feelings and I still consider them to be dear friends!)

The aftermath of that race made for a miserable Saturday for me. I couldn't get over the feelings of hatred I had for myself. I realize that I am far harder on myself (aren't we all our own worst critic?) than I am on others. Had anybody else told me that they had pulled themselves out of a race I would show nothing but love, care and concern. So, why could I not show myself that same mercy? Why did I have such loathing for actions that I would find acceptable in another? I even began to question everything I knew about myself. I've never quit before, so was I now a quitter? Did I just open up a door to allow myself to quit everything I started? Maybe everything I knew and believed about myself was never true and I didn't know who I was.

After many hours of self-loathing and more tears than I care to admit to, I realized that I could not allow this one incident to define me. How many mishaps (a word I prefer to "failures" when it comes to cooking) have I had in the kitchen over the years? I've had hundreds of mishaps, but have always gone back for more--it's the reason why I now make perfect cookies, amazing pies and continue to show-off my baking skills whenever the opportunity arises. So, why was a "mishap" as an athlete suddenly considered a failure? It took a lot of soul-searching for me to reach this decision: the difference between "success" and "failure" is the choice I make after I fall down. And, the choice I make is to learn from my experience, to pick myself up and try again.

I have to live with the choice on made on Saturday. And every time I am asked about my race, I will have to admit to what happened. And what happened is I didn't cross the finish line of this race on this day. However, I have decided to not allow this one incident to define me. This one choice does not make me a failure. I made a choice, a smart choice, to pull myself out of a race. But, I learned a lot about myself from that race and my decision. I cannot look at myself as a quitter or a failure because I truly haven't quit. (Besides, that word isn't in my vocabulary!) I am not, nor will I ever allow myself to be a failure. I have already picked my next Olympic distance triathlon. And this time I have every intention of crossing the finish line!

road tripping

This past weekend I took a quick trip down to St. George (ok, actually Hurricane) My friend Natalie and I decided to do the Kokopelli triathlon at Sand Hollow Reservoir (more to come on that later). My older sister lives down in Hurricane and it was a great opportunity to see her and her new house (ok, they've lived there for 2 years). I decided it might be fun to take 2 of the munchkins along so they could see their cousins. Here are a few things I learned about traveling with kids (age 10 and 8):

1. When there is silence coming from the back seat, you should be concerned. My niece wanted to play with my iPhone (what did we do before such devices?!) Well, I should have realized that there was no longer sound coming from the phone alerting me to whatever game she was playing. Apparently, she had figured out how to move the icons around and proceeded to move every single one of them. At least she was entertained and I got to spend an hour getting things back how I like them.
2. A 10 year old boy will completely forget that you told him multiple times "we will be there for less than 24 hours." Once he sees his BFF cousin. It was actually quite humorous that both of them asked multiple times if we could stay longer. I'm certain in their minds it was a completely logical request and there was no way they could be denied. I think they forgot for a brief moment that the adults were in charge.
3. How can an 8 year old eat her weight in Cheetos and candy and still be able to eat dinner? Seriously, I cannot believe how much that girl can consume (and yes, I'm a little jealous because how great would it be to eat like that and not gain an ounce)
4. Even though I traveled with little more than a coloring book and mad libs and survived long family car trips there is no reason to make these kids endure such hardship. I was advised to take both the portable DVD player and a computer so there could be no fighting over movies. Although both devices were not constantly in use, it was nice that one could watch a movie while the other played pinball or something else on the computer.
5. Fast food, root beer and lots of candy makes for very hyper (and very entertaining) kids. It was actually quite fun to hear the laughter coming from the back seat over some silly comment. They did have fun launching a grape out the window and a gummy bear against the window with the catapult built in Hurricane. I, however, drew the line when they wanted to use said catapult to launch gummy bears into each others mouths.

This was also the first road trip I've taken with Natalie and we had a great time talking and laughing at all the craziness in the back seat. It was a great trip and we had a lot of fun. And, not once did I utter, "Don't make me pull this car over" and in my book that makes it a success!

Racing shoes

Check out these cool shoes. They are from Zoot, a tri company. They just slip on and you're ready to go. They are so light-weight and comfortable. Do you think they'll make me faster in my next race?